Budgie smuggler

By the way Mauro got searched by a couple of bouncers at the club we went to Saturday night, supposedly they suspected him to be at least a smuggler… of something. And if they thought that something was drugs, the silly blokes must have pictured themselves in Sunday’s paper already: ‘Catch of the century!’ Oh, disappointment, the bulging jacket turned out to be housing an oversized mandarin, a pile of papers, three bundles of shag, a packet of noodles and some more ‘Survivor man’ necessities.

You have to be prepared for anything, right? A night out can be a really rough ride. Thanks mate, for sharing your mandarin with us. It helped us through the privation at that abandoned railway station (See! Calamities lurk around every (tunnel’s) corner).

Anyway, after their first disillusion, the bouncers cracked up almost as much as we did. And I wouldn’t be surprised when in the near future, Australian slang is enriched with a term for ‘a big bump shaped like a mandarin emphasizing one’s pocket’. Say what? Well, mandarins aren’t the only items getting smuggled by blokes here in Oz. And the Aussies found a striking term for it.

In summertime, you are likely to catch a dude in a budgie smuggler. A.k.a. the utterly charming Speedoslip, a tight-fitting swimsuit that accents parts of elderly German tourist you DO NOT want to see (this species is often spotted on islands like Lanzarote. Beware.) For our Dutch readers: budgie is the little birdie called ‘grasparkiet’ and the poor thing is apparently being visualized stuffed down the front of someone’s shorts and then compared to a dong n’ scrote. The horror of that.

But good news for all the blokes and birdies: some guy (of course) has invented a cup that you can slip down the front of your Speedo to get the ‘Ken’ look (yes, from Barbie the doll, not to be confused with BBQ. Man, that Oz slang is getting complicated). No more budgie smuggler. Everybody’s happy. And I mean EVERYONE!

The moral of this story: if you want to smuggle something (what is a pretty tough job to do in Australia), leave the poor budgie alone and grab a mandarin. You get a nice round bump and it comes in handy when you get stuck at a train station in the middle of the night.